Some of you, of the conservative, or as I like to say "unlucky" persuasion, probably thought that the most bad ass badassery that you could get up to, was to kiss a boy, or god forbid do... it!
There were other, the middle of the road people who got really into Kriss-Kross, some of 'em tried to rhyme but they couldn't rhyme like that, and channeled their need to break the rules by going all out and wearing their jeans backwards, thoroughly confusing the entire adult population.
None of us actually did anything truly bad ass, unless you were the weird kid who rubbed his dick on everyone at noon hour and grew up to be a crazy cat man who lives vicariously through his W.O.W character.
As you may or may not know, I was the most bad ass kid that walked the streets of my small town....
This bitch had a curfew of 9pm. What?
Plus..I was in a neighbourhood gang of my creation called the Skull Crushers, and we had wrestling matches!
I even made my sister cry once by somehow (and god damn it do I wish I knew the magic words I used to get her to do this) getting her to moon the whole neighbourhood... for no reason other than my amusement.
And it didnt stop there...I once got suspended (in school suspension bro, I aint no delinquent) and they made me sit in a room that had padded walls and children's toys everywhere. My crime: changing the B-I-N-G-O in the farmer bingo ditty, into B-I-T-C-H.. Yeah... WHAT!?
That bitch had it coming! She got a higher grade than me on something and that was grounds to go BEAST on this bitch.
This particular night in question, I was hanging out with my best girlfriend Carly, and she was equally as bad ass, so she clearly devised a plan to camp in her backyard in a tent.
This was a perfect opportunity for us to sneak away from the tent in the middle of the night and get into all kinds of mischief.
It wasnt until about a year and a half later, when I had actually smoked weed that I realized the error of my ways..
I know you are thinking that we are just lucky to make it out alive.. and I say: exactly.
Luckily for me at this point Carly's family had removed her devilish influence from my life, and was living in Ontario. No, not because she got addicted to grass.
Well actually....Im not making assumptions here but let's just say that they moved to an area suspiciously surrounded in the stuff... but who's really pointing fingers...
Personally, I stayed on the straight and narrow from then on out, and stuck to weed, mushrooms and anything else my teenage mind could get bent on in school.
I sometimes wonder about what happened to Carly after that... Then I message her on facebook and realize she's got it pretty damn good...
Five days later, in a daze, I wake up naked, face down in my neighbours lawn mower bag, while his daughter pokes me repeatedly with a stick, and I curse the day I ever tried that demon grass...
That bitch had it coming! She got a higher grade than me on something and that was grounds to go BEAST on this bitch.
I once even rolled up magazines and smacked 6th graders in the arm for their "7th grade initiation". This really was just an excuse to hit my sister, and I ended up grounded for like a month, or whatever, but it was worth it because... well I know I had a legit reason at some point...
And then, there was my penultimate moment. I became so bad ass, that looking back, I am embarrassed at how insanely bad ass I .. thought... i was.... *cough*
I smoked grasssssss!
YEAH! Grass! Not even the fucking shit that gets you high... I was way too bad ass for that shit... I smoked the real shit yo!
Those little tubes that are produced in the fall when the high grass dries and you break off one of the tall mutha fuckas in your hand...
Calm down now... I didnt get addicted. I came back from my one night stint with grass, and lived to tell the tale. We all know grass addicts are never the same... Mowing their lawns every couple of days just to smell that fresh smell... sickening.
So I know you're all "this is horrifying for one so young and innocent"... You dont know me!
And then, there was my penultimate moment. I became so bad ass, that looking back, I am embarrassed at how insanely bad ass I .. thought... i was.... *cough*
I smoked grasssssss!
YEAH! Grass! Not even the fucking shit that gets you high... I was way too bad ass for that shit... I smoked the real shit yo!
Those little tubes that are produced in the fall when the high grass dries and you break off one of the tall mutha fuckas in your hand...
Calm down now... I didnt get addicted. I came back from my one night stint with grass, and lived to tell the tale. We all know grass addicts are never the same... Mowing their lawns every couple of days just to smell that fresh smell... sickening.
So I know you're all "this is horrifying for one so young and innocent"... You dont know me!
We got down like that in the middle class, white suburban hood.
This particular night in question, I was hanging out with my best girlfriend Carly, and she was equally as bad ass, so she clearly devised a plan to camp in her backyard in a tent.
This was a perfect opportunity for us to sneak away from the tent in the middle of the night and get into all kinds of mischief.
So we grabbed our flashlights, made sure our big girl ginch were ready for this adventure, and we busted the fuck out of lock up.
We were on the lam. Careening down a back alley behind her place at a break neck walk, wearing our most fear inducing flannel night wear. We made it at least 300 feet before my bad ass senses started tingling, and I announced that I thought we shouldn't go too far in case there were strangers.
Damn it felt good to be a gangster.
So there we were, over 5 feet from a direct view of her parents bedroom window, when Carly looks at me with a gleam in her beady 11 year old eyes, and asks if I have ever smoked grass.
Now, at this point in my life I am well on my way to becoming the next Scary Spice, so I thought "is this chica loco? Stepping all up on me with drugs... I aint going to do this!"
And then I said: "Umm.. drugs... are..."
But Carly was way too quick. Immediately slapping down my fears of ending up in the downtown east side sucking dick for cheeseburgers, by explaining she wasnt talking about marijuana, but instead about the tall skinny shit that grew in the ditch, and that city workers have some inexplicable hate on for.
I wasnt sure about how much I wanted to get addicted to ditch weeds, but I figured that if I was going to keep up face, and make sure that my actions matched my "No Fear" t-shirt, I was gunna do this shit... HARD. Or at least a puff... I aint no junky.
So we smuggle the contraband back into the tent and sit down. Carly begins breaking up stalks with her nimble little fingers like a formidable grass connoisseur, and I just watch in awe for minutes. This could be the end of life as we know it, and if we aren't careful, within a year we could be taking the pimp hand across the face by a guy named Danger Dave.
Suddenly, as if from no where Carly produces matches. I have to admit that at that moment I was struggling between mad respect for the fact that she pulled off stealing matches from her parents and worrying that she had been smoking the grass for a bit too long already...
Now, at this point in my life I am well on my way to becoming the next Scary Spice, so I thought "is this chica loco? Stepping all up on me with drugs... I aint going to do this!"
And then I said: "Umm.. drugs... are..."
But Carly was way too quick. Immediately slapping down my fears of ending up in the downtown east side sucking dick for cheeseburgers, by explaining she wasnt talking about marijuana, but instead about the tall skinny shit that grew in the ditch, and that city workers have some inexplicable hate on for.
I wasnt sure about how much I wanted to get addicted to ditch weeds, but I figured that if I was going to keep up face, and make sure that my actions matched my "No Fear" t-shirt, I was gunna do this shit... HARD. Or at least a puff... I aint no junky.
So we smuggle the contraband back into the tent and sit down. Carly begins breaking up stalks with her nimble little fingers like a formidable grass connoisseur, and I just watch in awe for minutes. This could be the end of life as we know it, and if we aren't careful, within a year we could be taking the pimp hand across the face by a guy named Danger Dave.
Suddenly, as if from no where Carly produces matches. I have to admit that at that moment I was struggling between mad respect for the fact that she pulled off stealing matches from her parents and worrying that she had been smoking the grass for a bit too long already...
So I open my mouth to suggest that we move outside, and she LIGHTS A GOD DAMNED MATCH IN THE TENT!
I ran out of that tent with so much force that I must have looked like a linebacker bowling over a group of 3 year olds.
EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU DONT GET FIRE NEAR TENTS! Thats how you end up as a molten plastic wrapped mummy for all eternity. Or at least thats what I think my parents told me, and I was NOT even remotely ok with becoming a life sized action figure.
Eventually Carly assured me, after an hour or so of listening to me tell her about how "my Daddy dun told me", that it wasnt going to just light instantly and I sat back down to get up to no good.
It was immediately after my second puff of this magic grass that I started to get worried... This was some serious shit we were doing, and I felt that it was best to talk this through and be fully aware of the risks associated with this tremendous undertaking.
I ran out of that tent with so much force that I must have looked like a linebacker bowling over a group of 3 year olds.
EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU DONT GET FIRE NEAR TENTS! Thats how you end up as a molten plastic wrapped mummy for all eternity. Or at least thats what I think my parents told me, and I was NOT even remotely ok with becoming a life sized action figure.
Eventually Carly assured me, after an hour or so of listening to me tell her about how "my Daddy dun told me", that it wasnt going to just light instantly and I sat back down to get up to no good.
It was immediately after my second puff of this magic grass that I started to get worried... This was some serious shit we were doing, and I felt that it was best to talk this through and be fully aware of the risks associated with this tremendous undertaking.
I tried to stop Carly from going hard at the grass, by whispering awkwardly "Carly, we gotta stop. We could get addicted."
Carly was not your average bad ass though. She had a doctorate in badassology, and proceeded to smoke it until she coughed while I yelled at her that we were going to get "aDDICted!!!"
We went back for 2nd and 3rds though... The entire time I was becoming more and more aware of my impending doom... I could almost feel the sweat and broken dreams that would make up my life of prostitution due to this foray into the unknown...
Carly was not your average bad ass though. She had a doctorate in badassology, and proceeded to smoke it until she coughed while I yelled at her that we were going to get "aDDICted!!!"
We went back for 2nd and 3rds though... The entire time I was becoming more and more aware of my impending doom... I could almost feel the sweat and broken dreams that would make up my life of prostitution due to this foray into the unknown...
It wasnt until about a year and a half later, when I had actually smoked weed that I realized the error of my ways..
I know you are thinking that we are just lucky to make it out alive.. and I say: exactly.
Luckily for me at this point Carly's family had removed her devilish influence from my life, and was living in Ontario. No, not because she got addicted to grass.
Well actually....Im not making assumptions here but let's just say that they moved to an area suspiciously surrounded in the stuff... but who's really pointing fingers...
Personally, I stayed on the straight and narrow from then on out, and stuck to weed, mushrooms and anything else my teenage mind could get bent on in school.
I sometimes wonder about what happened to Carly after that... Then I message her on facebook and realize she's got it pretty damn good...
Five days later, in a daze, I wake up naked, face down in my neighbours lawn mower bag, while his daughter pokes me repeatedly with a stick, and I curse the day I ever tried that demon grass...
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