When going full retard

I have always been the person who would go out of their way to make people laugh.
I thought, and still think, that the way to a person's heart is through laughter.
The only real thing that changed about the way I look at making people laugh, is that I try not to have casualties afterwards.

A really good rule to follow in life is that if someone can get physically injured, you probably don't want to do whatever it is you are planning.

However, then, as now, I say "fuck that shit!". 

How else are you going to wake up on Sunday with severe hematomas covering 70% of your body, 12 bottles worth of glass in your feet due to an inexplicable lack of shoes, no idea where the blackberry bush that you have made your hibernation station happens to be located, and a fucking wicked story to tell when you can find someone to drive you 30kms back to town?

You simply arent going to be able to have any of these moments, and you may be better for them in the end, but if you are one of those people who's too good for getting white girl wasted in a giant muddy hell, then you are more likely to be reading about how creationism is the only possible answer, and I more than likely think you are an idiot.

For the rest of us, the only thing I have found that is actually important about having incredible experiences, is that other people dont get seriously injured. 

I can come out with out an eye, 'cause shit... I have two anyways... but if you get hurt, I will feel really bad for a couple minutes, and I hate having to dutifully feel bad for you.

So, in every war, there are casualties. And this casualtie was so fundamentally important to me that I would have flown my flag at half mast, had a owned one, or remembered what I was sad about in five minutes. I was upset about this casualtie in a way that only a 18 year old stoner could possibly understand. 

It was a weekend much like any other weekend, when we first came up with the game plan of all game plans. We woke up still kinda drunk, and then smoked a bunch of weed and tried to come up with cool things to do that wouldn't fuck with our fun-money.

This weekend my girlfriend Jen happened to be out from Chilliwack, and she is, to drunken debauchery, what Michael Jackson was to pedophilia. 

Just batting home runs like a muthafucka.

So this specific day, we decide that the best possible thing we could do with our time, would be to pointlessly order some fast food, have it delivered by a local delivery service, and then have me, dressed in a garbage bag, with my hair tied up in glorious ponytails, screaming and drooling like a mentally challenged kid on the front deck. This deck of course was within about 2 feet of their head when they came to our front door.

Now I'm not going to say I'm the next Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys.. but let's be serious... I was way fucking better.

I nailed the screaming retard like a person who was mostly a screaming retard..... (yeah, well.. it was gunna come out one day)

When the lady came to drop off the food, I was drooling and freaking right out on the porch. She got so scared she ran back to her car, and literally left rubber on the road in front of my house.

This was like hitting the jackpot in comedic gold, when it comes to a bunch of ingrate 18 year old stoners. I think we laughed, nonstop, for a month.

Winter time rolls around and Jen happens to be back at my house.

Clearly, I'm going full retard again, and we are going to call the delivery service.

So this time we call for 2 slushies... a grand total of $2 with a $5 delivery charge, but fuck it, who else am I going to be able to publicly terrify...

So she comes up our driveway, but this time, I'm going for the grand retard. Im coming through the front door at her, and I can't wait to see what happens.

So low and behold, it actually IS the same lady who came in the Summer, and this lady is terrified in the way that only a person with full blown retard strength can make you.

I went charging out the door at her, and she throws the slushies at me, and goes to run back to her car but slips on the ice, lands on her wrist, gets up, and Donovan Bailey's back to her car, and is gone before I even realize she didnt take my wadded up $10.

I'm just about turning the act into reality by shitting my pants because I cant breath I am laughing so hard.

It wasnt until about 3 weeks later that I realized how bad I had fucked my shit up.
That move was retarded... and let me tell you why:
So the lady broke her wrist.. like BROKE her wrist...
I was now black listed from the delivery service for life. No matter how much I called them out for being horrible people for discriminating on mentally challenged people, they would not bring me my cheetos! 

And a bitch gotta eat!

So now... I look at life through the eyes of someone who has been bereft of a tasty morsel for at least 20 minutes, and learned a valuable lesson.

You NEVER go full retard.

If you have ever seen the wringer.. this is me yelling "When the fuck did we get ice cream?" NAILED IT