The evolution of sexual awkwardness

One of the rights of passage, to every pre-pubescent adolescent is the "awkward sexual experience". Everyone has them. For some people it can be as simple, and earth shattering as having a guy find out that you stuff your bra, while others go full boar and get their braces inexplicably joined while dry humping in a crowded room, in the basement of their best friends house, while someone outside is screaming "I'm going to break his house" and repeatedly smashing his face into a chain link fence.... 

No one ever says "that was a really great thing we just did, and we should do it again" after their first time doing anything sexual... and if you do, you are either a liar, or you got a hooker who looked like Jenna Jameson, and you should know that everyone hates you. Everyone.
Since I did not, in fact, have my first experience with a drop dead gorgeous porn star, and am not all that good at lying, mine was notably awkward, maybe not so bad as the dry-humping debacle of 2003, but for a 12 year old Canadian girl from a small hamlet town, just outside of "we done fucked up boys, that was my sister"... it was life changing... and not really in the way that you immediately brag to your girlfriends about.

Every year my family went up to our family cabin on a small island, just off Vancouver Island in BC. On my tenth trip up to my cabin, my sister and I found out that our neighbours from California had their grandsons up, who we had met a few times, and they were around the same age as us. This is the adolescent equivalent to finding out Santa comes not once, but 10 times per year. I have always been a tomboy so this was even more exciting for me, because I wouldnt have to listen to my sister prattle on about not wanting to fish, or do.. really anything besides sun tan... so I was excited in a way that could only be compared to your first time watching "Do the Bart Man". 

Now one thing I should maybe point out, in case you are unaware of the fundamental differences here... We were 12 and 10... from a small hamlet in butt fuck no where Canada..
They were 13 and 15..... from California. 

While I was thinking about how cool it would be to go over and ramble incoherently at them until they wanted to repeatedly punch me in the face, they were probably thinking about how my sister was looking pretty good for a 10 year old.

Prepubescent sex education where I came from wasnt even on the menu at 12. At 12 I was still writing out rules on wood for the street gang that a kid from school and I came up with called (yeah, I was this cool) The Skull Crushers, that basically came down to: 

rule 1- to get into the gang you have to be cool.. cooleness is to be decided by other members of the gang and can not include little kids (I was 12. I wasn't going to hang out with no 8 year old! What do you think I was? A chump?!)

rule 2 - and eat something of the leader's (which was me of course.. i was clearly gang material at 12) choice. This can be as bad as a worm, but not as bad as a frog.

 AND THE PENULTIMATE RULE OF ALL rule 3 - all we do all day is royal rumble for rein of the gang, in Martin's yard (cause he had hedges to hide how obviously BAD ASS our gang was, in case anyone got scared and decided to try to fight us to the death. Cause we would obviously win, or our parents would ground us or something..)..

I feel like trying to compare where I was in my mental development, to where boys from california were in their's... was kind of like thinking about the first people to meet a Vulcan when they came to Earth.. 

I was that dude in my back yard, looking up at a phallic looking space ship, going "Umm... ya.. You guys are in the wrong yard man. It's Billy down the road who likes things in his butthole.. this isnt even a farm man. You just stay back you point eared ass lovers!"

So.. needless to say... they decided they should invite us for a camping trip, and the first thing that came to my head (because I assure you, while I was contemplating my existence later... I VIVIDLY remember thinking that I was a fucking IDIOT at this very moment) was "ALRIGHT! This is gunna be so cooooooool! We can tell ghost stories til like... 10 oclock and then make schmores when we are super scared! Maybe I can even steal a lighter.. cause that would be REAL bad.. oh maaaaaan!!!!"

I have a feeling this was not what they were thinking. 

Regardless, my dad was totally cool with not having to deal with my hyperactivity for even a single night, and sent us on our lighter-stealing way. 

We got up there and I set up my tent in like 2 hours flat... (what i was 12 and too busy thinking about fucking marshmallows to understand tent poles. Give me a break)

Within about ten minutes of my palace being erected, and while I basked in the glory of my creation, the guys decided that our tent was going to be the dog tent, and that we could just hang out in theirs.. or... whatever..

12 year old me is fucking HAMMER TIME stoked on this shit... I am about to sit in a tent with two all-knowing Americans, who will TOTALLY care about discussing the merits of fighting with sai over a boe staff... My little mind is racing like .3 miles per minute trying to come up with ways to counter their arguments in case they stupidly decide to pick a boe... when one of them is like "So... We snagged a beer and have these cards.. so we should play strip... pick a card...."

Yeah.. pick a card.. what do you think we were... 3? We were sophisticated as fuck. This wasnt a pow wow of "go fish" playing infants alright? We had class, and class demanded an adult game like smash the cards into a weird pile and then pick one at random.

My sister, being light years ahead of me in most social situations at this point (possibly because I looked and acted like a 5 year old down syndrome boy, but who's really pointing that shit out right now?) was instantly down.

Now, Im not really one to be caught with my pants down (at least not yet anyways) in a game of "fuck you Im not a pussy" so of course I had to be 10x more enthusiatic about strip "pick a card" as she was. I tastefully turned down the beer because my daddy would not be ok with me drinking a beer... but taking off my clothes.. maury, YOU DONT KNOW ME!
If you have ever seen the meme "and a 1 and a 2, and a ching chong potatoe..." you are looking at the secret footage they filmed of me at that moment.
If not, and as a refresher... this was me: enthusiastically agreeing to do anything regardless of if I qualified, or even knew wtf was going on.

So, about 10 minutes later.. we are all huddled in our sleeping bags, and it's starting to dawn on me that I might not be eating marshmallows dripping in chocolate, artfully smashed between graham crackers, and one of our fine friends decides that its time for us to play some spin the bottle. 

Up until this moment in my life, I had pretty much gone full on with hand holding. I was an expert at it. I held my boyfriend Alan's hand in grade 3 for at LEAST 10 minutes before I was confused and felt dirty... So, as you can imagine I felt pretty weird about this "placing food holes together in a sexy way" thing, but these were Americans from California, and regardless if I was the "sorry bro you gotta take this retarded chick for the team" older sister at the time.... I had to be a big girl about this, or risk looking like... well a 12 year old.. 

It only took about 5 spins of the bottle, and making a horrifyingly graceless exit from the tent,  before I realized one fundamental thing about myself, that all of my friends should probably know..

If we are ever in a forest, and a bear comes at us and you are smaller than me, I will not hesitate to break your legs and feed you to it to save my ass.

Regardless of if you are are my sister, and that bear only exists on the flag of the republic of 

california.

It also set the stage for every other sexual first in my life.

Step 1 - Use Bravado to pretend you dont care or are "totally good at that man" (dudes like chicks who vacantly stare at them and clearly lie about their experience)

Step 2 - Make sure it is in the most awkward place possible.. like a corn field.. or a rocky hilltop... or maybe your best friends room, with them in it...
Step 3 - Over do it in every way, so that it is awkward for everyone involved. Making sure that they dont want to talk to you in the morning... or ever again, if you want to get technical about it...
Step 4 - Immediately regret your decision, but walk around like everyone is gunna know and think you are SO COOL cause you did it.. Use rationalizations like "you are going to be so popular" and "its just a 4-some, guys love virgins in 4 somes, and they are going to think you are so cool"
Step 5 - realize that no one knows, or everyone does, but no one thinks you are cool. Not even the other person. 

Step 6- Shame drink. Do not stop drinking until you are ready for step 7

Step 7 - Begin at Step 1 again, with a new innocent victim. 

Step 7.5 - Due to shame drinking, try coming at it like a predator this time. Guys dig when chicks act like pedophiles as a carnival, and might respect you more. They might even think you are cool if you do this... Yeah.. this sounds like a good idea brain.. high five for having my back...

Cornfield? I didnt say that out loud right? ok back peddle Lauren.. That was a metaphor... for... somewhere less.. corny? And stuff, or whatever....

NAIIIIIILED IT