From the mouths of babes

Recently, while moving, I came across one of the most incredible finds of my life: my childhood diaries.
It occurred to me, while I was reading them, that I was a weird little shit when I was a kid..
Here are some excepts, and I have included any explanations that may be needed, in bold.
Copied with original spelling mistakes to spice shit up a bit.


Sunday Jan 17th, 1999 (I am 12 years old)

Today I played with Christine (one of my best friends). We played dress-up and went outside were Christine sliped and fell and got all wet! After she fell, we went up and fed some horses. She said that she is going to horse camp and is going to ride horses 5 hours a day. She is a liar. This summer my dad's side of the family is having a family reunion at the cabin. Here are the people who are going: My nana boots & Uppa Roy, Uncle Al, Auntie Karolie, My cousin Stephen & his brother Mathew and my uncle dave and Auntie Brenda.
My Auntie has really red hair.
Well I gotta go to bed now so see ya.

It is 9:26pm

Lauren

Monday Jan 18th, 1999

Today at school my teacher totally imbaressed me by saying "Lauren calm down. Stop looking around Lauren". She is sometimes weird like that. She was reading notes really fast and I asked Danny and Melissa if they caught anything and of course she yells "Lauren calm down!" That was SO imberissing. Beth told me that Jamie and Cheyenne said that I shouldn't follow them around when all I am doing is playing with Beth and Mel. My friend Davin is not coming to karate tonight because he was smashing things and wrecking everything. Maybe I should smash things and wreck everything so that I dont have to go to karate too.

I have to go now. Bye.

It is 9:44pm

Lauren

Tuesday Jan 19th, 1999

Today at school I traded Mel a kinder surprise toy and a crayon for a lip smackers. Tomorrow I am giving her one of my sisters beanie babies for 2 more!! I know that is kinda mean but oh well!! ( drawn beside this is a smiley face made with two exclamation marks) I think that this kid in my class named Mitchell is so hot! I think he likes me. Dont ask me why but I just do. On the weekend I met a boy who used to live in Austria. He sleeps like a vampire and I think that they all do over there. He is (kind of) hot too. I wish that people at school would let me in on things. I hate it when they dont. Sorry about all of the scribbles. Talk to you tomorrow! Bye!

It is 6:46pm

Lauren

Wednesday Jan 20th, 1999

Today my ex best friend Beth got mad at me because I coloured nicely on our poster before she got back from the washroom. Courtney says that when I tackle boys in keep away its because I like them. What a bitch. Jamie's mad at me because I wore the same hairstyle as her. Grrr. What a bunch of bags!

It is 9:36pm

Lauren

Thursday Jan 21st, 1999

Well me and Beth are friends again and she might be coming over tomorrow. Binxer (Binzer) another one of my friends is coming over on Monday. Today on my math test I was the first one done, and I got 17/22 thats really good for that kind of math. It is dividing my two digits. This morning bus #9 was late so we got to take bus #5. Our dog freckles is very sick. He is in the vet right now. I am worried about him. He might die. He is a pure bred springer spaniel. He is 10. I miss him. Good bye. See you tomorrow.

It is 9:29pm

Lauren

Monday January 25th, 1999

Today I had a really bad day. People were making fun of me and calling me a name. I wish i was still at West Heights. I hate "CHEYENNE". She is a mother fucking bitch. Need a say more. She hates me too. I love Mitchello. He is a babe.
Bye.

It is 10:17pm and I am very sneaky.

Lauren

Tuesday January 26th, 1999

Today at school Mitchell and Dilan got in a fight. Mitchell won and Dylan had a nose bleed and briues all over him. I love love love love Mitchell. Maybe one day he will fight another boy over me and we can hold hands on the swings together.
Binxer is coming over tomorrow.

It is 9:54 pm

Lauren Killer Briggs

Wednesday January 27th, 1999

Today I found out that Kevin likes me. He is the only other person in the whole school that I like. He is cuter than Mitchell. Binxer came over today. She says that Mitchell hates me but I think that's just because we both like him and she wants him all to herself. I hope Kevin asks me out tomorrow or to the dance. Jamie made up this rule that you cant ask people to the dance, only because she doesnt want Cheyenne to go with Travis. Why are girls like that? I hate it! 

It is 9:41pm

I LOVE KEVIN FOREVER

Lauren

Thursday January 28th, 1999

Today I had a good day. That is all. OH YA! Kevin sat by me on the bus. OHHHH HOT HOT HOT. S-S-S-S-S-S-S-SSSSS!

It is 9:20 pm

Lauren BUH RIGGS

Monday Feb 1st, 1999

I wonder if Kevin likes me. I know I talk about him a lot it's just I like him soo much. Mitchell might ask Jessica to go out with him and I don't want to be the odd one out if ya know what I mean. (did I even know what I meant?) Bethany isnt allowed to go out with anyone until she is 16. What a bore. When will her mom even trust her? My sister is going out with Neal. Gross!! 5 minutes after she broke up with Matt she got asked out by 7 guys! I wish boys would do that with me. I know I have said this before about Mitchello, but I think Kevin likes me. Here is a list of why:

1. Always talking to  me at school

2. Threatening to beat kids up just to sit by me (little lauren... were u lying to yourself?)

3. Doing practically everything to get my attention

4. Waving good bye and saying weird things to me like "see ya Lauren"

5. Saying to Mitchell when Im facing away from him "nice butt"

6. Looking at me constantly on the bus

7. Asking me the really important questions like "who do you like?"

8. I just like him soooooooooo much.

Good bye

Hi guys.

Good bye this time.

It is 9:08pm

Tuesday Feb. 2nd 99

Today I learned that Lindsay does not like me. What a looser. She said these things just to make me feel bad. This is when I need my friends and "KEVIN". I would need Kevin because he is caring and compashitnit. Plus he doesnt care what people think of him. Or of his friends and he still likes them. You know what I should do is call him and get my friend to ask him who he likes. What if he likes me? Wow that would be AWESOME. I am not just thinking about it, I am going to do it!!!! I will call him and get Beth or someone to ask him. That would be awesome! If he says he likes me I will tell Beth to tell him to ask me out and that would make him my BOYYYY FRIEND if he asks me out. oh ya BABY.

But what happs if he doesnt like me. that would mean I told people that I liked him and I would make a fool out of myself. I dont like Mitchell anymore because he likes Jessica and Sommer. OH THAT MAKES ME MAD. I HATE JAMIE. She is a bitch! Good bye.

It is 9:58 pm

Lauren

Sunday February 2nd, 1999 (the continuity here is awe inspiring)

On Friday my Nana Kay flew out from Edmonton. She flew out on West Jet and we went in the brand new terminal. (I WISH KEVIN LIKED ME!!) And I wish Bethany thought of me as her best friend. Carly Sauve isnt my best friend anymore because she dumped me for the biggest slut in the whole school (name deleted). Why would she do that?? I bought Travis his Valentines present (2 chocolate bars and some Jolly Ranchers) I also bought Beth one that is a friendship bracelet. Bye. Sorry for not touching you very much. I will try to do it more.

It is 10:14pm

Lauren

Tuesday Feb 4th, 1999

Today I went to my first volleyball practice. It was fun. My mom is in Mexico and my nana Kay is looking after us. My mom and dad said that they would bring presents home from Mexico. They better be good or I will have a fit. I cant wait til they get back. 

If I had 3 wishes they would be:

1. I wish my parents make it home safely

2. Kevin loved me

3. more wishes (so here is 3 more)

4. I could do and have magic to do whatever with

4. I had wings

5. I would wish for world peace with most no pollution so we will not have to live in a  bubble by the year 2050. That would be my six wishes! 

Good bye

It is 10:00pm

Lauren

Wednesday February 7th, 1999

God I haven't written in you for a LONG time! Well anyway one of my wishes came true! #1!
I went to Bethany's house today. She came here too! We went to the forest near her house and found lots of toys. We have them all in a box. I am going to try to steal the box.
A little while ago I found out that her mom is gay (a lesbian). That's cool. I dont know what a lesbian means though. Patrick my neighbour thinks that's appauling. He can be such an asswhole sometimes. 

It is 9:56pm

Lauren

Friday August 27th 1999

Today was a really bad day. Bethany was saying things behind my back. She was also pissing me off real bad. My dad says that is has to have something to do with me or she wouldnt be doing it. WOW! Is he ever wrong! She would keep doing it if we were the last people on earth and all she had to talk to were rocks! GOD! She annoys me sometimes!! Well anyways on to the good part! Yesterday I went to an awesome football game. I got TWO koosh balls from a guy in the field that was giving them out! (I have never gotten anything from a football game like from the field in all the times I have gone to them! That is tons! Beth got two too! We were being cheerleaders with them and dancing around in the stands and a camera guy for !TSN! came along and taped us dancing around so we were on !TV! and I have never been on !TV! before either so it was sooooooo cool! I think they might make me a star like Pamela Anderson is famous cause of a football game! (little Lauren... u misunderstood that Pam flashed her tits at a football game.. and u were just a sad little ugly kid gyrating in the stands)

Well today I woke up to Bethany yelling my name and I got up and had pancakes and bacon for breakfast! !yum! Then we went to pick up Bethany's bathingsuit. We went back to our house and waited for 20 minutes for my dad to get home, cause he always takes his sweet ass time and then we went to Allouette lake for a swim! The whole way there she was mad at me and all the way back.

On the internet I am talking to hot, nice, guys like Josh and Venom. They are sooo nice. At the lake me and Beth got a log and were trying to stand on it! It was fun! On my holiday to my cabin I bit through my lip when the handle (crossbar) on the windsurfer came around and hit me in the head (ouch)! I am crying because I miss freckles. I love you frep. I am excited about school starting! I will be in grade 7. We will rule the whole school.
We will beat up all the kids who come near our swings and they wont be able to do anything about it because we are bigger and cooler than them.
I am sitting with my cat Kaliko. I love her. She loves me... I hope.
Well I should go, love yah! oh 1 sec. This year I can wear makeup to school, cause I am in grade 7! YAH YAH YAH RAH RAH RAH BITCHES! Love ya!

It is 10:39 pm

Lauren